PukhtunWomen

(this article first appeared in News Line)

In rural NWFP, polygamy is a cultural tradition that enhances a man's social prestige while women, regardless of their mental anguish, are expected to tolerate co-wives with fortitude.

A pair of wives in a small house in Regi, a village in the Frontier, sat together in a huddle, hiding their faces while giggling and whispering to one another. Their mother-in-law proudly announced that both were pregnant, and their due dates were roughly the same. She made sure to convey the news to as many women as possible, because tacitly implied through this bit of information was the fact that her son treated both his wives equitably. Certainly there seemed to be less tension between these wives than is usual among co-spouses, perhaps because each wife has her own independent room in the three-room mud hut they share.

Second marriages are commonplace among the Pashtuns. Due to a lack of understanding of Islam-let alone of the rationale behind and conditionalities attached to remarriage – polygamy is generally perceived as an item of faith particularly in rural areas.

Although in Islamic Shariah men are only granted permission to remarry subject to several conditions, the majority of men who take this route choose to see it as a commandment rather than a solution to a problem. They then proceed to flout every condition attached to the licence to remarry provided for in Islam, foremost among which is the ability to treat all spouses equally in every possible way.

For this reason, there is usually a degree of jealousy between two wives, especially if they share a house not to mention, as is not uncommon among the poor, a bedroom. Competition between two wives for their common husband's attention is inevitable in such a situation.

In Pashtun society, as in many other rural societies of Pakistan , marriages are arranged by families keeping practical considerations in mind. These include strengthening family ties and alliances, the continuation of the family line, the obtaining of a healthy dower, or sometimes just the addition of a helping hand for daily household chores.

If a woman is physically ill or mentally unhinged, her husband is expected to take another wife. Amir zaman from Hangu, for example, decided to remarry after his first wife was paralyzed following a prolonged illness.

Reclining on a bed while massaging her granddaughter's scalp, Amir Zaman's mother explained how important it was for a man to have another wife if his first one became sick. “How could all the household chores be managed if there was no one to attend to them?” she asks. Even if physically handicapped, however, a first wife is not usuallydiscarded by her husband, even if he invariable takes a second wife.

Justifications offered for second marriages, however, vary. There is a famous Pashtu saying, “Dowaima khaza ya day naistee na kaee, ya day mastee na” (A econd wife is brought in either for reasons of lust or when there is no other choice). Sometimes, women themselves feel compelled by circumstances to find second wives for their husbands.

Bizar Jana, childless of more than a decade of marriage, was expected to take care of her sister-in-law's children who lived next door.

This was not always an easy task. If she corrected the children when they misbehaved, she would invariably find herself at odds with her sister-in-law. During one such quarrel, her sister-in-law accused Bizar jana of being barren and said when her husband died she would be left alone with no one to look after her. That prompted Bizar Jana to start searching for a bride for her husband who she hoped would give him chidren who would accord her as much respect as their biological mother, hearkening back to the famous Pushtu saying, “Day yore na ban kha wee, Day laywarzee na banzay kha day” (A co-wife is better than a husband's brother's wife, and her child is better than the child of one's husband's brother).

Bizar Jana made all the wedding arrangements for her husband's scond marriage. The bride price was 5000 rupees. She ven gave away one of her favourite chadors as a sign of gratitude to a woman poorer than herself. However, the day the bride arrived, Bizar Jana's heart sank. The bride sat decked up on one of the three beds placed in the only room of the small mud house Bizar Jana shared with her husband. Now while she endures her situation, she says it is a constant heartache.

A second marriage, in many cases, tacitly infers wealth or high status. In Pashtun society, the number of wives an individual male has denotes his ability to maintain and support them. Thus polygamy is often directly proportionate to affluence. In fact, it is seen as a sign of prestige.

However, it is not only the well-heeled who opt for second wives. Men from a lower stratum of society also practice polygamy, but for more practical considerations, such as increasing their labour force. By having more than one wife, a man gains an extra hand for chores and then of course, there is the bonus of more children and an even bigger workforce. Second wives in these cases are chosen from a lower socio-economic class, destitute women or divorcees, because they are seen as potentially more compliant than women with family support systems.

Men entering second marriages in the presence of the first wife rarely take their senior spouses' sentiments into account. A first wife is expected to show no resistance towards her husband's decision to remarry. In a society where a husband is considered the malak (patron, master), or ‘khan' by the wife, even a hint of defiance would be perceived as rebellion. Once the deed is done, co-wives are expected to work and live amicably, or at least pretend to do so, in order not to invite any pighore (taunts) from society. And for women to seek a divorce in Pashtun society is tantamount to threatening their husbands' honour. A woman might leave the house, but breaking the marriage tie is considered taboo. Illiteracy reinforces ignorance regarding the rights awarded to women in Islam. While religion may permit her to seek divorce, Pashtunwali, the Pashtun code of honour, does not. In fact, a woman is considered honourable if she is capable of enduring suffering in silence.

And suffer they usually do but often at a heavy price. Since silence is the operative term, many rural women who find themselves in the position of second wives, manifest their anguish in mental and physical disorders. What is considered “possession by spirits,” for example, is a common phenomenon among village women. It is widely believed that an unhappy woman becomes more vulnerable to “possession”. The clinical description of a “possessed” woman's ailment aside, this is probably the only avenue for a distressed woman to give vent to her sentiments within the strict confines of Pashtun society.

While for a Pashtun woman walking out of a marriage is certain to invite ostracism, there area a courageous few who have broken free.

Farid Jana from Bannu, is one of those rare renegades. She says, her husband married another wife merely for “mastee” (fun). To add to her ignominy, she was forced to go and ask for the woman's hand in marriage for her husband and maintains she was further humiliated when she discovered that the contender for this post was neither prettier nor younger than her.

“I was traumatized. I refused to see anyone. I would sit and cry secretly. But I refused to live the rest of my life in misery because I knew my husband did not care for me anymore,” says Farid Jana. She says she mustered all the reserves she had to bring herself out of the depression she had fallen into because she did not want to give her husband the pleasure of watching her in that state and labeling her ‘insane.' Eventually she opted for freedom and walked out of her marriage. As a result, she has lost her status, and alongside struggling to support herself, also has to suffer the label of ‘spaka' (light, honourless). She describes her condition with a Pushtu proverb:

Dar Pa Dar, Khaoray Pa Sar' (From one house to another, with dust in my hair).

Farid Jana says living with her husband's second wife might have been tolerable, but staying with her husband had become impossible. Her rage against him is so great that she maintains she wishes him death, in the event of which she says she woud be able to go back home and live with her children. “My husband has ruined my life. I was beautiful, but hardship has aged me,” says Farid Jana. Still, she might be considered one of the fortunate ones.

While discussing polygamy, the village women cite a tale which is part of loval folklore. Shama Gul, from Bajaur, herself one of two wives, relates the story. She says, “unable to bear the news that her husband had taken another wife, Hazrat Khadija's head split into two.” (The splitting of the head symbolizes the pain associated with women who are confronted by their spouses' other wives). Continuing, Shama Gul recounts how Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) subsequently joined his wife's head and healed her. A grateful Hazrat Khadija thus accepted his remarriage. In this example, Shama maintains, is a lesson of endurance for other women in similar situations. “If Hazrat Khadija accepted her fate bravely, who are we to complain?” concludes Shama.

Pashtun culture dictates that co-wives live in peace. In fact, they are referred to as ‘malgaray' (friends) in Pashtu. Most of them, however, end up being dubbed ‘banay' (a derogatory term for two females unable to get along).

In fct there is a stipulated pecking order for such situations. A man's first wife is called ‘mashra' (senior), and the second one ‘kashra' (junior). The mashra's due is respect, while to the kashra's lot falls affection. The senior wife is given specific privileges; among them, she is awarded ‘wak' (authority) to be the decision maker, in matters pertaining to the domestic sphere, such as what is to be cooked or who is to be visited etc. the mother-in-law of two women who share a spouse proudly related how her son's senior wife bought a silk suit for her husband's bride-to-be because her husband's honour depended on the way she reacted to his decision to remarry. The bravery the face she put on, the more honour she and her family earned.

The mashra also wields control over gham and khuhi occasions. The senior wives maintain their status by controlling events related to family and tribal traditions and customs. The kashra's role is essentially limited to practical pursuits such as household chores or producing children, as opposed to their own far more important function: upkeeping Pakhtunwali. Certainly, the junior wife does most of the housework and since she is so preoccupied, it is said she is unable to conduct social visits. The junior wife is also expected to treat the senior one with respect and not question her authority.

A mashra is respected because she has not attempted to escape her circumstances. By accepting her husband taking another partner, she has managed to avoid being ostracized by the society she lives in, which would have been her lot if she had opted out of the marriage. Enduring pain bravely is a sign of ‘honour.' With age and hardship a mashra gains even more respect, and becomes a role model and becomes a role model for other women. A senior wife is usually not abused by her husband or in-laws. However, for all her special status, she sacrifices affection for authority.

Shahida, a mother of four, lived a relatively carefree life until her husband, who is a tandoor (oven) owner, revealed that he was to marry another woman who he was in love her with. He told Shahida he would continue to love her, and treat her with affection. Indeed, perhaps out of guilt, after his remarriage he has been extra generous with his children, buying their affections with new toys. Ostensibly, Shahida too is on a comfortable wicket as the mashra, since he continues to be respectful of her. The truth is, she is desperately unhappy and has fallen ill as a result. She strongly believes the ‘other woman' has practiced black magic to entice him away, and has asked a local pir' to make some ‘bandoona' (charms) to win him back. So far, nothing has worked. “My ‘bandoona' are probably not as effective as hers!” says Shahida.

Saeeda, and Tahmeena call themselves ‘malgaray' (friends) because both share a common misery. Neither is able to bear a child, and they fear their husband might tke yet another wife-con-sidered perfectly acceptable if one's spouse is barren. Their predicament has made them each other's confidantes and neither believes one has precedence over the other. They can only wait and see whether a third wife will claim their husband's affection. If that does transpire, they will also, like generations of women before them, have little option but to suffer in silence.