Sitting in the conservatory browsing through “Lifestyle” magazine, and
idly watching people walk outside the window, I was startled by the phone ringing. My sister sobbingly told me about what befell Farina after her wedding. I was shocked and it was hard to believe that Farina, whose wedding I had just attended in April was asking for “Khulah”
In Islam, women have the right to divorce, called khula (to free or dig out), this right enables a woman to free herself from an unhappy marriage. I thought of the terrible shame and stigma associated with the word, how the right to allow two unhappy beings to separate and go their separate ways was looked down upon in our culture. What is more unfair is how it marks a woman for the rest of her life and forces her to become an outcast in her own family and peers. In fact divorce is so shunned that most women would prefer to be miserable than to have such a slur attached to their name.
Oh my God! How can he do this to her? My heart sank for a while;
the news took a second to bombard my head with lots of questions. All the while all I could think of was her beautiful face and how joyously she had prepared for the wedding; running around shopping malls, matching jewelry, shoes, bangles, and other beauty products.
What was sadder still was that she had just found her dream job and
her ambivalence over resigning such a good job eased with the thought of a more rewarding and fulfilling family life with her husband. She gave up her career and stepping wholeheartedly into a new relationship, and sadly it did not turn out to be a good experience for her. The green trees and colorful flowers outside my window seemed to loose color and turn black. I could not see anything for a while.
We, (Farina and I) spent the whole night awake, chatting and giggling, the day before her wedding, discussing different types of men. Little did we know at that point that one such heartless and selfish man would ruin Farina’s life. Farina, within a month of her marriage, found out about her husband’s affair with another girl, whom he called his “daughter” during the whole wedding ceremony. Farina tried to get over this shocking news, but after living with him for four months, she finally decided to leave. Of course her family supported her, in fact helped her in making a final decision.
Catching sight of her framed wedding picture in my living room, I picked it up, and my emotions burst forth through my tears. Ya Allah! Why did my friend have to experience all this, Ya Khudaya! Only one small sign of his loose morals and character before marriage could have saved Farina from such a terrible fate. Why did he even agree to marrying and thus destroying an innocent girl’s life? Is this why our elders always pray for a girl’s good “qismat?” Is this why the birth of a girl brings a little worry, and some un-ease, into her parent’s life?
Though Islam gives high status and respect to women, our culture
still will not treat them as living feeling beings, or give them the rights that Islam mandates. Yet they claim to be true Muslims. Without even wanting to know anything, all the blame is by default thrown into the lap of a woman in our culture. It is hard for a divorced woman to remarry, no matter how pure or unblemished her morals and character are, but a druggie, un-employed, or even an impotent man can buy himself a good wife. It is good to empower our daughters for the unseen
future, but do academic degrees promise them a well-settled married life? Does it?
I felt empty inside, my body was functioning but not my brain.
Every time I wanted to focus on something, old memories distracted me. That evening when I disclosed the news to my husband, he dropped himself into a chair, completely silent. We were so quiet. I did not feel like talking. My husband said, “It should not have happened to Farina, she did not deserve this.” I could see his moist eyes, but I could not find it in me to comfort him either. I wanted to isolate myself from everyone.
For the first time I realized how cruel and suffocating “pain” can be. In front of my kids (who had enjoyed and celebrated Farina’s wedding),
I tried my best to hide my emotions. In the middle of the night I lay awake unable to shut my eyes, thinking about the hypocrisy that exists in our culture. We are all hypocrites! Why can’t men be honest with
themselves at least? If this guy was in a relationship with another girl, and could not live without her, why did he ruin Farina’s life? He could have easily disclosed it, or refused the marriage, men don’t have to cross big boundaries; the outside world belongs to them. Walking out from any situation is harder for girls because there is an obstacle at every step and unluckily there is a thick jungle of cruel and heartless men out there.
Nowadays, I hear people say “girls don’t compromise anymore, and divorce rate is increasing in Pakistani families.” If I were her, I would have not accepted continuous mental torture either. Breaking up a home is not easy for any woman. Nothing is more traumatic than seeing a relationship falling apart. The biggest being the admittance of failure, it is hard for any human to admit that one was not good or worthy enough. It breeds suspicion, distrust and distance. It is a painful experience not just for a woman but for her parents and friends too. Her parents are blaming and torturing themselves for pushing their daughter into a bad and painful experience by not investigating properly.
It is fun to gossip about broken relationship of others, but
believe me in today’s age, be ready for the “un-seen” forth-coming incident. Some girls still believe that by their good conduct, patience, virtue, submissiveness and domestic duties, they will save the relationship and win the heart of their men. Sadly these girls have yet not realized that reality is contrary to their unrealistic goals and ideals. This world is severely lacking truthful and honest people.
After two days, I gathered enough courage to phone Farina. She did not cry on the phone, instead tried to laugh like before. She has put up a brave front but I know the girl behind is heartbroken and hurt. She has started working again. I asked, “How is your job?” She said, “Zama zrha na lagi awal pashaantay (I don’t enjoy my work like before). But what to do then, I have to work.” These words doubled my pain for Farina. I
can sense what she is going through. Before she not only enjoyed her work, but took pride in her work, she was still waiting for the “prince of her dreams, her knight in shining armor” to come, but now after filing for a divorce, and with only a never ending road, full of societal pressures, and stigmatized “labels” is awaiting her, her trust is lost and her dreams shattered. Will she ever be able to trust someone again?
I pray to Allah that she overcomes her pain, and learns how to cope with it.
I wonder how many women become victims of social pressure and cannot dare dream of quitting an unhappy marriage, even living with the knowledge of another woman in the background, a woman who he turns to instead of her. Farina, I salute your refusal to be humiliated and subjugated at the hand of such a pathetically weak man.